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10th September 2012

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here i am

I should be excited about being 23 weeks pregnant. I should be focused on all the good things to come and all I’m doing is living in fear and regret.

SOS

SOS

SOS

SOS

SOS

SOS

SOS

i’m helpless.

Tagged: pregnantabusefear23 weekshelpless

10th September 2012

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I’ve got something important to say

…and I’m not allowed to speak about it.

When it started he was always there for me, and acted like he really cared. He picked me up (or so it seems) from the lowest point in my life at that time. I had nothing really, or so I thought. Now…I have nothing but this relationship and a son on the way.

Its a scary thing being in an abusive relationship…especially being pregnant.

Its been about eight months since he first started showing his abusive behavior. It started when I “broke his trust”…or at least thats his excuse. He had told me that he didnt want be going out with anyone unless he was with me. When a girl from my new job presented me with a beer at the bar right next door I couldnt resist! I was happy about meeting a new friend and happy about starting a new job so I thought I would celebrate. I quickly drank my beer, and headed home. Stopping to buy a pack of gum because I knew I would have to lie or I didn’t know what he would do. I thought he would leave me for having one beer with her. So, when I got home and knelt down to kiss him he asked me if I had went anywhere after work. I lied as I had rehearsed but it didnt feel right so I quickly said, “Well, honestly I had a beer with the girl from work but I came right home after that.” He immediatly screamed at me telling me I was a “lying trick” and I lost his trust completely. This astonished me because if I were him I would have appretiated the honesty even after the lie! Anyway, after that I had to go back to work a few days later. He had told me that he wouldn’t be able to trust me at work and if I worked with that girl he would break up with me. So that night I drove to work and sat in the parking lot crying on the phone with him until it was time to go in. He hung up on me after he said, “its your choice, me or the job”. So I didn’t go in. I drove home.

Ever since them I’ve been unemployed. He said “its okay, I’ll handle the bills.” At first it was great not working! Of course, I was loving the easy life. Staying home and just doing chores was nice…until he started accusing me of being lasy and not trying hard enough for him. He always says to this day that we should be a team and I don’t do my part. He pretty much makes me feel like shit for not having a job every day but the only reason I don’t is because he told me it was our relationship or my job! So now I find myself six months pregnant and no one wants to hire me. The only job interview I came close to nailing he said “oh, it would be like you to want to work at a bar.” So, he successfully made me feel like shit for even trying to make him happy.

I sometimes blame myself for all of this. I should have picked myself up from my slump and not depended on a man to help me. But thats a mistake that I will have to learn from.

Anyways, theres more that has happened within the last eight months. I’ve been pregnant for six months and most of this time he has been telling me that i’m overly emotional because of my hormones. That all my pain is in my head. I did manage to leave him for one day after he threw a bong across the room at me because I wouldn’t respond to him. I shouldn’t have come back, and that is so clear to me.

See he likes to “get me” when I’m doing good. For instance, the other day I took an HEPI entrance exam to start nursing school. I got an 80% on the exam and I was so happy. When he picked me up he didn’t say one good thing to me about it. He didn’t ask me about the test. He could care less. All he did was point out a few of my recent mistakes. We started talking about how he shouldnt buy weed because we can even pay our mortgage and he didnt want to hear it. When I asked him what happened to being  team he got really pissed.

I staired ahead as he reached 50mph on a 25mph off ramp. We could hhave flipped! I’ve already been in a roll over accident and he knows I am terrified of being in abother one…so he used that against me. I screamed at him, “LET ME OUT!” he pulled off ON THE OFF RAMP! to let me out. When I opend the door he started fish tailing back onto the road almost throwing me out of the truck! “FOR GOD SAKE I’M SIX MONTHS PREGNANT!” I screamed but he didnt listen. He just kept screaming at me. Telling me I was this and that. He kept driving eratically and I kept crying and asking him to stop. Literally having to hold onto the “oh shit bar” during every turn. Finally, I slapped his arm hoping to get him to listen to my request. He started to say “If you ever slap me again I will hii…” he didn’t finish. I said “you will what?” I slapped him harder on his arm. “DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!” I screamed. He slammed on his breaks and made a sharp left turn. I needed out of the truck. I thought he was going to kill me or stress me so much I’d go into labor. He pulled off the road and I tried to get out again but he pulled away saying”go ahead, jump out!” all the while laughing at me! LAUGHING AT ME! Can you believe it?

So, after that I just went numb and looked away from him. He started his apologies. His blaming me. His usual script after a fight. I just cried and looked away. I told him I felt numb and helpless. He wasnt concerned…infact he seemed to calm down once he knew he had defeated me.

But, here I am. Still with him. We’re in another “honey moon” phase.

I printed out some information about abusive behavior and gave it to him. I told him I didn’t want to bring MY son into a situation like this. He said he didn’t either, and that he would just “tell me to leave”. He always tells me to leave.

So, I don’t know. I know what to do, but I just feel like I can’t do it! I want to be happy. I want to be with him. I can’t have both.

Tagged: abuseviolencepregnantfeardoubtconcernboyfriendintimidation

6th September 2012

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Its been awhile but…

I’m back!

Feeling pretty big these days. I’m 22 weeks along and still going strong. Doc says its a boy! We’re keeping the name a secret from family but I can tell Tumblr.

Its Jordan William M.

:) Hes going to be a cuties. His profiles looks like a smashed up versioun of Wil and I. We’re both pretty good looking so I know he will be cute. Also hes completely healthy which is more important than his profile. lol

On another note. I’ve got Wil’s sister telling me that I’m pretty much lazy and havent put forth enough effort to help Wil with the bills. Oh if only if only she knew that Wil bought a variety of things we don’t need and thats why were not surving on his income. Oh, if only lol.

I mean yeah I should have job but I did try for motnhs to get one. I pretty much had a job at a restraunt near by but I had to tell them I was pregnant because I didn’t feel honest keeping it a secret. Just in my charecter I guess. Well, what ever. Heres the breakdown of what everyone else thinks of me.

I’m lazy.

I’m spoiled.

I’m happy being unemployed.

I ‘m taking advantage of Wil.

I don’t try.

I don’t care.

Blah blah blah.

The truth is…I would love to be working right now but I DON’T LIE TO GET WHAT I WANT! I believe in honesty. Truth is I’m not spoiled. Wil wmay think that he spoils me because he pays the bills but he doesnt because he wont even let me help him make decisions on where the money should go. If it was up to me we would pay our mortgage each month and go hungry! That would be a true way of spoiling me! Taking my advice! I’m not happy being unemployed. I’m depressed, bored, and I can’t get myself to smile because I DONT WAKE UP FOR ANYTHING IMPORTANT EACH DAY. If I was taking advantage of Wil than I wouldn’t feel so regretful and ashamed of myself. If I wasn’t trying I wouldnt be taking classes for other people just to make an extra 200 dollars! If I didn’t care I wouldn’t care!

I’m so made that everyone thinks they know me and they don’t. I wish they could be in my shoes for one fucking day. I’m so deep in a hole I’d like to hear someone elses opinion about how I should get out of it! God damn….I’m so tired of having my efforts ignored.